Forgive the poor quality of
this zine. This is just a way for me to keep track of my letters and distribute
them to friends. Some of the letters are not dated since I didn’t intend to use
them for anything. They are all from about December 2004 until the summer of
2005 when I started keeping track of them. I have been a fan of Rich Mackin’s
letters for years and decided to give it a try. His letters are hilarious.
Check out his site: www.richmackin.org. I highly recommend writing letters to
companies for both recreation and holding them to some level of accountability.
However I’m not going to claim these letters are activism. I’m clearly going
for humor. If corporations can put chemicals in our food that make us sick, use
sweatshop labor, pollute the environment, and use other unethical business
practices, I reserve the right entertain myself by annoying them.
Go ahead, send me a letter.
Any fan mail, hate mail, comments about how juvenile I am, how I should get a
life, or how I should just give up and start watching the O.C. can be sent to
jtovarnak@yahoo.com.
Thanks to special Guest
Consumer Brandon Smith:
http://rhinoplex.org/ovulus/public_journal.htm
Dear Bed Bath and Beyond,
I have been to many of your stores across the nation. I have
noticed that every time one of your associates sees a customer they ask,
"Can I help you find anything?". Usually I politely decline this
assistance, but one time I responded. I asked if she could help me find the
will to live. She just looked at me like I was some kind of nutcase. I don't
understand. Why ask if I need help if they don't really want to help me? Please
explain.
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
PS- I have checked the FAQ
section of your website and did not find the answer to my question
Email Subject: Re: STORE
EXPERIENCE
Received: 8/30/05
Dear Julie,
Thank you for your e-mail. At
Bed Bath & Beyond it is our policy to assist our customers in any way we can within the confines of our stores. We appreciate your feedback. If we can assist with anything pertaining to our stores please let
us know.
Sincerely,
Patricia
Customer Service
Dear Country Time Lemonade,
Summer is joyous time filled with life's little pleasures. I
remember back when I was a kid, how Grandpa would set a pitcher of Country Time
Lemonade on the porch. My friends and I would
savor the cool refreshing taste and then go scamper off into the fields.
Ahh.. how simple life was. Now the leaves are beginning to change and I'm an
adult. I realize that I have pissed away the summer. Instead of carefree
frolicking, I spent the summer worrying about paying the bills and where my
career is going. All of my friends are married now and instead of playing tag
in a sunny meadow, we just sit in awkward silence unable to relate to each
other anymore. They just look at me in pity because I haven't found someone to
share my life with. Anyhoo, at least I still have Country Time Lemonade.
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
They didn’t even send me a
coupon to ease my troubles.
Dear Uncle Ben's Foodservice,
Did Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima ever..... uhm, you know.... hook
up? Times are tough for sellers of carbohydrates, with the popularity of the
Adkins diet. Perhaps they could find solace in each other's fictional arms. Do
I see a potential cross-promotion?
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
Dear General Mills,
Are you upset as I am about the whole Tom Cruise debacle? I know it happened awhile ago and shows like
Entertainment Tonight and other celebrity based programs aren't talking about
it anymore. But I mean who does he think he is? Some people really need to take
psychiatric drugs for their well-being and safety. Obviously he has never lived
or worked with someone with schizophrenia. I would like to see him interact
with someone suffering from that affliction. I bet he would change his mind if
he actually witnessed a person cover everything in the room with foil and then
fornicate with a table. What's your opinion?
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
Dear Sherwin Williams
advertising department,
I enjoy the quality of your paints and the wide selection of
colors. However I have questions about your corporate logo. I drive by a store
of yours every day, and ponder the meaning of it. It appears to be a globe with
a paint can above it, pouring down and saturating the entire planet. The words
"Cover the Earth" are shown. What does this mean? Is this the goal of
a utopian world wherein everyone and everything is thoroughly covered in
Sherwin Williams paint? Is this supposed to be a positive view of the future?
I'm sure that you are well aware that paint fumes are harmful to living things.
I believe there is a warning on your product about only using it in well
ventilated areas. Is your corporate mission to asphyxiate the world and all its
contents? Quite frankly, this seems to me a horrible and apocalyptic vision of
world domination. Once you accomplish this plan to cover everything in your
paint, do you have any plans to create some sort of new technology that would
provide adequate ventilation? How will people breathe when covered with paint?
You'll have to consider individual respirators for all people and probably all
mammals who breathe through muscular respiration. And what about plants? How
will they absorb sunlight and produce their own food through photosynthesis, if
they are completely covered in paint? This brings up another complication to
your plan. It will break every link in the food chain, by killing all the
plankton that fish eat, all vegetation that animals and people eat, and all
animals that people eat. So you'll have to come up with a way to deliver
nutrients to all living creatures, from people to plants to single-celled
organisms. To assist you in this complicated task, I did a little bit of
research for you. Here are some websites that might be useful...
To learn about the food
chain: "http://www.planetpals.com/foodchain.html"
To learn about
photosynthesis: "http://www.ftexploring.com/photosyn/photosynth.html"
To learn about plankton: "http://www.e-plankton.net/wodp/6_woa01/"
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
Dear Starkist Tuna,
I have some questions about your advertising character
Charlie. Is Charlie himself a tuna or another species of fish? He seems
extremely excited about the idea of tuna being consumed. I live in the South
and I've noticed a similar advertising method. There are many barbeque
restaurants and most of them have a cartoon pig that is bursting with
enthusiasm about its imminent demise.
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
Email Subject: Re: In
Response to your Website Comments - Ref # 003512750A
Received: 9/29/05
Dear Julie,
Thanks for visiting our
StarKist website and for your email. Charlie the Tuna is definitely no ordinary
tuna. He became StarKist's official "spokesfish" in 1960 and appeared
in his first TV commercial in 1961. Charlie's distinctive voice was provided by
Herschel Bernardi until Mr. Bernardi's death. Since then, Charlie's voice is
provided by Jeff Bergman. Prior to 1960, Charlie the Tuna was known as Luna the
Tuna. During a limited run, a crab named Wally appeared in commercials with
Charlie the Tuna. We hope our products will be completely satisfactory in the
future and I'm sending you a complimentary coupon via postal mail in
appreciation for your business.
Del Monte Foods Consumer
Affairs Del Monte. Nourishing families. Enriching lives. When contacting us,
please refer to the following reference number: 003512750A
Haikus on Prescription Drugs
Part One
To the makers of Nexium the
purple pill:
Dear Astra Zeneca,
Here's a haiku:
Little purple pill
Now I don't have to diet
Esophagus heal!
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
Haikus on Prescription Drugs
Part Two
To the makers of the birth
control patch:
Dear Ortho Evra,
Here's a haiku.
Safe and effective
Yet healthy women drop dead
Stays on in the pool
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
10/31/05
Dear Pillsbury,
I am a baker. It is my job to create delicious baked goods
that make people happy, but not everybody is happy with me. You see I'm kind of
thin, not skinny as a rail, but definitely not over-weight. There are many
women who harbor a deep-seated rage towards me for making baked goods that are
tempting and potentially fattening. I just want to make people happy, that's
why I bake for a living. But I guess being a somewhat tall, thin Eastern European
woman is a little bit threatening. Is that why you choose the Pillsbury Dough
Boy as a mascot? He's chubby, a boy, and giggles delightfully when you press
his tummy. Maybe I should invite them to poke me in my tummy so I can giggle
and be less threatening. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
Email Subject: Pillsbury Web
Response 2005/10/31-0756 ZTB
Received: 11/1/05
Dear Miss Tovarnak:
Thank you for contacting
General Mills about General Mills products. We appreciate the time you have taken
to share your comments. We hope you will continue to choose our products.
Sincerely,
Thomas H. Batty
General Mills
Consumer Services
9/27/05
Dear Kroger,
I recently went to a Kroger near the Ohio State University
campus with my friend Dean. We went to get ice cream, because ice cream is
really really good. We walked over there with my dog Bijou. I asked Dean to buy
some turkey for Bijou because she's quite a hyper little dog and the tryptophan
in turkey calms her down. I gave Dean some money and he made a joke about
buying weed. This attracted the attention of a young hoodlum, who asked if he
could have some. I stood outside the store amongst your fall selection of flowers
since I could not take her in the store. I waited there until Dean came out
with both ice cream and turkey. As we were walking away we were invited to a
party across the street. The guy was severely inebriated and tried to explain
that he was engaged. Dean introduced himself as Mark and said my name was Donna
Lee. I told him my dog's name was Bijou but in retrospect I realize I should
have said her name was Skeeter. As we were feeding the turkey to Bijou, Dean
noticed the ingredients on the package. The first ingredient listed was turkey
not surprisingly. The second ingredient was MECHANICALLY SEPARATED TURKEY. What
is mechanically separated turkey? Apparently it differs from the first
ingredient- turkey. Is the first ingredient, turkey, separated in a different
way or not separated at all?
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
Email Subject: FMV Turkey
Received: 10/05/05
Dear Ms. Tovarnak:
Thank you for contacting us
regarding the FMV turkey. Turkey is the
meat off the turkey and mechanically
separated turkey is exactly
that- is machine separated. After the
people on the line remove all
the turkey they can from the carcuss there is
always some turkey remaining but
people can't remove it so it goes
through a machine and the machine
separates the turkey from the remaining
bone. I hope this answers your
question, and thank you for taking the
time to write.
Sincerely,
Ginger
Consumer Response
Representative
9/08/05
Dear Mrs. Bairds,
I'm writing in reference to your promotion: get a free ring
tone with the purchase of one of your products. I know your company has been
around since the early 1900s and I just wanted to compliment you on keeping
with the times. I find that difficult myself sometimes as I still listen to
Pearl Jam and have a bleak outlook on life.
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
Written response through the
mail.
September 12, 2005
Dear Ms Tovarnak,
It is always a pleasure to
receive a compliment, and yours regarding our Mrs. Baird’s ringtone promotion
certainly brightened our day! Customer loyalty is one of the benefits of our
tradition of providing products of the highest quality.
At Mrs. Baird’s, we work very
hard to maintain our good reputation in the baking industry and with customers
like you, we will continue to enjoy that superior reputation.
We are enclosing a coupon for
you to use toward your next purchase of a Mrs. Baird’s product at the store of
your choice. And again, thank you for taking the time to let us know!
Sincerely,
Consumer Affairs
10/19/2005
Dear Publix Supermarkets,
I noticed today that you have a sign on your store that
prohibits the use of unauthorized recording devices. I have a question. Is it
alright if I take notes? You see, I'm doing a project on consumerism involving
writing letters to corporations, and it's helpful if I take notes. Thank you
for your time.
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
Written response through the
mail.
Dear Julie Tovarnak,
We received your email
regarding the use of recording devices. This sign is in place to keep our
competitors from entering the store and recording information either by video
or other electronic means.
In regards to your project on
consumerism, we would love to help you. You are more than welcome to take
whatever notes you need in order to complete the project. We just can’t allow
you to record your visit with a device like a camera or recorder.
If it would be of any help,
please stop by the Customer Service Desk and ask for myself or either of my
Customer Service Managers (Jan & Ryan). We would be more than happy to
answer any questions you might have about our store or the grocery/retail
industry.
Enclosed is my card if I can
be of any further help. I have also included a certificate so that you can try
some of our fabulous ice cream.
Sincerely,
Store Manager
Dear Gap Advertising Dept.,
A Christmas idea:
I understand that recently
you have been running ads with Sarah Jessica Parker capturing the spirit of
Christmas. Indeed , its a magical time and slowly over the years Gap
commercials have become almost a traditional part of the shopping season. I
have an idea for a perfect ad. If we hurry, maybe we can make it before Santa
comes for some last minute shopping.
The song: "Take the
A-Train" or a good swing number.
The setting: A modern, smart
apartment.
Plot: Sara Jessica Parker has
just given out her last leather belt and red sweater, and the family is leaving
the house with much cheer and excitement. Tis The Season! After she closes the
door, she walks into a bright, white room (a Gap standard) and looks at her
gifts, Gap bags galore, of course. Then she breaks down and begins to sob
uncontrollably as she realizes that her life is empty despite the endless
amount of clothing she has cast in front of her; the shell of her being can't
possibly be filled with these material possessions, despite the best intentions
of her friends and relatives. As the swing number runs it course, Mrs. Parker
will begin to thrash around uncontrollably, screaming unintelligibly through
her sobs. Though the bags are torn considerably, the Gap logo will still be in
place on one, and as we fade to white, the Gap logo will be the only thing in
the picture not fading.
I know its a rough sketch,
and maybe some details need to be worked out, but this is my vision and I had
to share it.
Merry Christmas,
Brandon Smith
Dear Mr. Smith,
Thank you for your message
and interest in doing business with us. Regrettably, because of the large
volume of inquiries we receive, we are unable to review or respond to requests
sent via e-mail.
We do not accept unsolicited
proposals regarding new products, merchandising strategies, or advertisements,
and any submissions of this nature will be returned unreviewed. We are also not
pursuing any new alliances with manufacturers for producing our goods at this
time.
Inquiries regarding business
opportunities other than those mentioned above can be directed to our corporate
offices as follows:
Gap Inc.
Attn: Gap Advertising
Department
One Harrison Street
San Francisco, CA 94105
Although we've been asked not
to release personal contact information via e-mail, your correspondence will be
forwarded to the appropriate person within the division and department as
addressed. For a list and description of departments, please go to
http://www.gapinc.com/careers/opportunities/hq.htm. While we are unable
to respond to every request we receive, we will contact you directly if
we are interested in the
opportunity you present.
Again, many thanks for
contacting us.
Sincerely,
Jessica
Customer Service Consultant
Dear Gap Advertising
Department,
Recently my friend and I submitted an idea for a commercial.
We were so excited to share its sequel with you, we decided not to wait for a
response.
The second commercial: Sarah
Jessica Parker sits cross-legged on the floor of the white room. She has an
emotionless expression as she stares just beyond the camera. "The
End" by the Doors plays. She begins to shave her head bald slowly, stroke
by stroke without changing the empty expression on her face or removing her
gaze from its fixed point. When she finishes she gets up and begins painting
the white room black, still emotionless, and in the process completely covers
herself with the black paint, representing her soul. The camera cuts to the
next scene were two thin men in tight black pants, tight black turtlenecks,
with wire rimmed glasses and slicked back hair are passionately kissing. A German
man is heard off camera simply saying "The Gap".
Merry Christmas!
Julie Tovarnak
10/19/2005
Dear Wendy's,
Last night I had the craziest dream. I dreamt that I was
working at Restaurant Japan, a wonderful Japanese place in Columbus, Ohio.
Their sweet potato sushi is unbelievable. Anyway I had to stop by the
restaurant to pick up a pay check, but I had my dog with me and it was really
hot outside. So I couldn't leave her in the car. I brought her in the
restaurant. The next thing I knew my boss had gathered everybody around to
watch her yell at me for bringing a dog in the restaurant. Then she fined me
$200 and fired me. But here's the kicker:
at this point I realized that I wasn't working at Restaurant
Japan.... I was working at Wendy's. What
do you suppose this means?
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
10/25/05
Dear Kroger,
I have a question about your product Zips Party Crackers. Are
they mainly for festive events or can they also be consumed alone in my studio
apartment, wearing sweatpants, waiting for a commercial for a technical college
to come on so I can jump start my career?
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
Haikus on Prescription
Drugs
Part Three
10/29/05
Dear Benza Clin,
Here's a haiku:
Benza Clin clear skin
But just one catch, the
chance of
Fatal colitis
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
Email Subject: Benazclin
(1-42929933)
Received: 11/1/05
Dear Ms. Tovarnak,
Can you please clarify if you
experienced fatal colitis while receiving BenzaClin? If you have, please
provide details as well as your phone number and mailing address. Thank you.
Regards,
Sanofi-Aventis
Pharmaceuticals
Email Subject: Benazclin
(1-42929933)
Received: 11/2/05
Dear Ms. Tovarnak,
This e-mail is in follow-up
to our previous e-mail dated 01-Nov-2005, to you for which we did not receive a
response. Due to the nature of this event, we are still interested in obtaining
additional information regarding this event associated with BenzaClin. Can you
please clarify if you know of anyone who experienced fatal colitis while
receiving BenzaClin? If you do, please provide details as well as your phone
number and mailing address. Thank you.
Regards,
Sanofi-Aventis
Pharmaceuticals
11/2/05
Dear Sanofi-Aventis
Pharmaceuticals,
Obviously I did not experience fatal colitis, since I am
writing this to you. I do not know anyone who has. I was reading an
advertisement for your product and noticed that fatal colitis is mentioned in
the detailed side effect information. I thought what a price to pay for clear
skin. It was quite unusual so I thought I should commemorate it in a haiku. You
may recall in my poem, that is says, "the CHANCE of fatal colitis".
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
10/28/05
Dear 3M/Scotch,
I like your duct tape. I find it very useful for many things,
especially shoe repair. You see, I am a stubborn individual set in my ways. I
don’t like to change. Change is difficult and uncomfortable. When I find a pair
of shoes I like I refuse to let them go. I just repair them with duct tape
until there is very little left of the original shoe. This works very well for
awhile, but then has an added benefit. After my mother has seen me wearing
these duct tape covered shoes for a couple months, she will demand to pay for
new shoes for me. (I am a grown adult.) Usually we'll go to several stores and
I'll reject many fine pairs of shoes and insist on still wearing the duct tape
shoes. Sometimes she will offer to buy me new shoes and give me additional
money if I’m willing to place the duct tape shoes in a trash receptical. As a result of this practice, I don’t think
I’ve ever had to pay for shoes in my adult life. Thanks 3M!
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
10/28/05
Dear Cherryman Co.,
I am writing to compliment
your advertising character, Cherryman, a cherry on a mission who says,
"It's got to have a cherry on top!" I wholeheartedly agree with him
that everything should have one. My divorce papers last month sure didn't come
with a cherry on top.
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak
Email Subject: Re: Fw:
Compliment
Received: 11/10/05
Dear Julie -
Thank you for your email comments. We are very pleased to hear that you enjoy
our Cherry Man Maraschino Cherries, as well as our slogan! Gray & Company
has been in the business of making glace and maraschino cherries for over 90
years and it always makes our day to hear from satisfied customers.
Thank you for taking the time to write to us. Gray and Company values your
business and hopes to continue to serve you with our fine products.
Vicki Spear
Customer Relations Manager
Gray & Company
11/8/05
Dear Sharpie,
I was looking a Ultra Fine Point marker that I'm using, and I just noticed
that it says, "Not for letter writing". I've been writing a lot of
letters lately, with this very marker and now I feel like a damn fool. Thanks a
lot.
Julie Tovarnak
Email Subject: Re: 000460075A reply
from Sanford....
Received: 11/9/05
Hello Julie,
On the Sharpie's it says not
for letter writing because of the type of marker the Sharpie is, when writing
the ink will soak through the paper onto whatever surface you are writing on.
If this is not a problem or issue for you, there would be no reason not to
continue to use Sharpies for your letter writing.Thank you for e-mailing us and
for your support of Sanford products.
Sanford Consumer Affairs
000460075A
11/8/05
Dear Pillsbury,
I have a recipe to share with you.
I call it Fruit Unfulfilled Pie.
1 pre-made pie crust
1/2 pound of seasonal fruit
4 years of college in a field selected
by your father
1 suffocating relationship
1 car and 1 apartment you can barely
afford
Place fruit in crust and bake for 45
minutes. While baking open that bottle
of wine and ponder where things went wrong.
Serves one.
Julie Tovarnak
No response.
Dear Altria Group,
When I was in grade school learning
about the Middle Ages, I thought it must have been terrible to live at that
time as a serf. Lords had ultimate power whether they had the wisdom and
compassion of a great leader or if they were cruel and selfish. Serfs had no
freedom and no options. Lords
controlled everything. I would think, “Thank God I live in modern day America.”
By the way, how much of the world’s food supply do you own?
Sincerely,
Julie Tovarnak